Truly, Truly Good

Have you ever been disappointed?  I mean really, really disappointed.  You thought what you wanted was such a good idea.  Surely God would provide the request because it was such a good fit for everyone.

And then He didn’t.

He said no.

And you were left with not just disappointment, but sorrow, mistrust, anger and hurt.  This thing I thought I needed, I thought would be so good for everyone was not granted.  And there was so much painful emotion that it was hard to reach out once again for the hand of God.

That is where I have been these last few weeks.  It felt like I was in a cave.  Knowing in my head that God is good and truly, truly has a wonderful plan.   And yet…  my experience of this goodness of God has not been evident.  I have not seen what I have wanted so much to see.  I have not understood the no.  I have crawled within myself to give myself an internal hug.  There I have sat wondering until finally, there I sat grieving.

It is through the grieving that I have once again been able to reach out my hand to grasp His.  Do I understand the no?  No.  Do I still struggle with His no?  Yes.  I know in my head that God is good and He truly, truly has the best for me.  Now I am trying to send that information to my heart.  And it is a long journey to get there.

It is through writing that I have been able to seek God and begin to trust again.  God, writing and I have a special relationship.  I know without Him I would not, could not write.  At least not write the way I want to write which is authentic writing.  So after weeks of not writing I knew my soul needed to write again.  I knew there was a hunger to express in words the feelings and experiences I have had.  And I began to converse with God about writing.  Actually I began to plead with God about writing because I knew writing was what I needed to do.  I knew writing would lead me to discover the emotions within myself that I was struggling with and writing would once again connect me with God on a level that I find hard to connect any other way.

So I am back to blogging because I am back to being authentic with myself and with God.  Do I still need to work on trusting God’s goodness when I can’t see it?  That would be a definite yes.  God and I continue to converse about His loving no.

God is truly, truly good even when I can’t see that goodness.  My head knows that and someday my heart will fully know that too.  Isn’t this what faith is all about?