Good Grief

Can grief be good?  I am discovering it can for me.

I associate grief with the loss of someone I love.  I am now learning a broader definition of this emotion.   Two weeks before Christmas I broke my ankle and the healing has been slower and more painful than anticipated.  I cannot drive, cook, clean or shop.  My life has shrunk.  The yuletide plans were the first to go.  Then meetings, events, etc. followed.  My expectations of what life was going to be like these past 7 weeks have vanished.  I have found I have waded into the unfamiliar world of pain.

My shattered expectations have evolved into daily seeking a pain-free position on the couch.   And I am realizing physical pain begets emotional discomfort and vice versa. I am also learning that dealing with pain is sometimes all you can do.

Though I have time to converse with God I have not had the inclination.  My thoughts have been defined by discomfort.  I desire to spend a day not thinking about or even noticing my ankle.  I long to experience hope and progress rather than discouragement and disappointment.  The present is wearing; I long to be in the future.

Though I have not dialogued with God I have been aware of His presence.  It is as though He sits with me each day, waiting with me for the healing to come.  His presence and peace help me have presence and peace. But this journey cannot be rushed.  The timetable is twelve weeks and the doctor is sticking to that number.

While participating in this experience God has provided a built-in perspective.  My cousin has had a stem cell transplant and I watch his progress on CarePages as he deals with the ramifications of this treatment.  We both desire pain free days and long to be well, but his stakes are far greater than mine.

I have learned in this space of seemingly unproductive time God still produces.  His products are based on attitude and character rather than material goods.  I am learning a deeper sense of gratitude.  Small things have become big.  A glass of water, a door held open, patience expressed are daily gifts to me.

Though I am not productive I am content.  It is His pace in which I rest. Someday I will be out and about, but not today.  Today, though I accomplish nothing, I know I am enough in His eyes.  Someday I will fulfill the world’s expectations, but today, just today, I am fulfilling His.